Top Tips

WHEN cooking spaghetti, tie all the ends together. That way you can eat it in one long suck, eliminating the drudgery of washing up knives and forks.

ESTATE agents. Please look up the words luxurious, stunning and spacious in a dictionary so as I don't have to spend my weekends being shown around badly-built shoeboxes.

HOSPITAL patients. Arrive for your appointment two hours after the assigned arrival time. That way, you will only have to wait an hour for your doctor to see you.


EXPERIENCE the thrills of a skiing holiday without the expense. Simply sellotape two planks of wood to your feet, sit in your freezer for three hours, then run into a tree as fast as you can.

BASEBALL cap manufacturers. Save the wearer the bother of turning your caps round by putting the peak on the other side.


MOTORISTS Always have a hot curry puff in your hands in heavy traffic. Each time the traffic grinds to a halt, just reach for the puff. The instant you place it to your lips the traffic begins to move. This also works well with the molten lava apple pies from McDonalds.


BOILED EGGS cut in half vertically, and with the yolk removed, make ideal miniature porcelain-style urinals for hamsters and guinea pigs.

LADY drivers. Draw a little diagram on a Post-it note showing the position of the handbrake and gearstick, and stick it to your dashboard. This will save you having to look for them when the lights go green.

SUPERMARKETS. Help promote healthy living by putting your cakes, ice creams, pies etc. in aisles that are too narrow for fat people to fit through.

JAMES BOND. Never show any pain when receiving the beating of a lifetime, but wince when having your wounds tended by a woman.

TEENAGERS. Stop your trousers from falling halfway down your arse by wearing a strip of perforated leather with a buckle around your waist.

TEENAGERS. When buying trousers, choose a pair which stop around about your ankles as opposed to some point about 10 inches further on.